KIRIHARA NOT YOU TOO!
by Cheesecake579
Summary: Kirihara gets pregnant...what's wrong with this school! [Part after Marui got WHAT?]


This was all Demon Brat's idea! (I just helped) :D

Enjoy! -My Dad is Mr. Clean

* * *

It was a somewhat peaceful day at Rikkai. Everyone was getting ready to go home and probably do chores… and… wait, no… probably to SLACK OFF. Maybe not Yagyuu or Sanada, but definitely NIOU MASAHARU.

Yukimura calmed the regulars down and smiled his "worship me. _NOW_." Smile. "Ok everyone, according to the charts, Yagyuu, you're supposed to walk Akaya home."

Niou yawned, "Why are we even doing this?"

"Because, we fear a certain green-eyed Yamabuki fukubuchou (I'm not naming who) is out there, and we fear Akaya's safety. Now, each of us will take Akaya home a different day, today is Yagyuu's turn. Yagyuu, take good care of Akaya, because if you don't…" Yukimura said very quietly about something about Yagyuu's demise.

"Who the heck had so much time making a schedule?" Pop.

Yanagi walked up and said, "Here's the time chart." He held up a chart with different names of the regulars.

Akaya was sitting "innocently" at a corner eating a random lollipop Yukimura had given him. "I don't want to walk home with someone!!" He said.

"But Akaya, don't you want to play tennis? You should be protected from random people at all times, you're just too…" Marui said, trailing off trying to think of a word.

"You're too uke to walk out alone," Niou finished for Marui.

Akaya looked at his sempai-tachi as if they were crazy, "Uke? I thought I was seme!!"

"In your dreams…" Niou muttered under his breath when Akaya resumed to eat his candy.

So when everything was decided, Yagyuu had Akaya's hand and they walked out. The Rikkai ace was still eating his candy.

"What a good boy, Akaya is…" Yukimura said.

NEXTDAYNEXTDAYNEXTDAY

"Ok, Jackal, you're supposed to walk Akaya home." Yukimura announced.

"Jackal went to get a hair cut…" Marui said, popping his bubblegum.

Niou sighed, "Marui, let me give you a chance to hear what you just said, JACKAL WENT TO GET A HAIR CUT?! _A FRIGGIN HAIR CUT_?!"

"Yeah… what's so strange about that?" Marui asked.

"JACKAL DOESN'T HAVE ANY HAIR!!"

"…really? I never noticed… maybe he's getting his eyebrows plucked or something."

"…"

"What?"

"You are the stupidest person I have ever met in my life."

"Gee. Thanks."

"Anyways..." Yukimura interrupted. "We need a substitute don't we?" he said smiling his, "Don't I have the prettiest smile ever? If you don't think so then DIE." smile.

"Sorry...I have to clean the house for guests to come..." Niou yawned out.

"I have a kendo tournament in an hour..." Sanada said from his spot NEXT to his idol.

"I have to baby-sit..." Marui lied.

"I have data to collect..." Renji said stalker-like.

"I have to go to a dinner party with my parents..." Yagyuu said in gentlemanly tone.

"Hmmm...that's too bad...I have to go somewhere after school too..."Yukimura said worried. "How will Akaya get home safely?"

"I wanna walk home by myself!!" Kirihara demanded.

"But Akaya..." Yukimura said. "It's too dangerous...that Yamabuki boy might do something horrible to you."

"Like what?" he said defiantly.

"Oh...I don't know..." Niou said casually. "Tie you up to a bed...strip you of your clothes...take advantage of you...defile you in everyway possible...ma-"

"That's enough Niou..." Yukimura interrupted shoving a biscuit into his mouth. Where did the biscuit come from? We don't know cause its YUKIMURA.

"I want to walk home ALONE!" Kirihara demanded.

"You're such a brat." Bubblegum pop.

Sanada simply ate the bottle of aspirins. INCLUDING THE BOTTLE. Which goes to show that probably the bottle should relieve headaches too.

"Alright, alright..." Yukimura sighed. He would have to let his beloved Junior Ace fend for himself in the dark, dark path to his house...

"I can walk home alone?" Kirihara said sparkly eyed.

"Yes you can." Yukimura sighed again. He was going to have to torture Jackal...or kill him. Take your pick.

TIMETOGOHOMETIMETOGOHOME

"See ya." Marui waved.

"Yeah whatever." Niou grumbled. Renji just nodded in acknowledgement.

"Stay safe Akaya." Yukimura cautioned.

"Yeah, yeah buchou." Kirihara said happily. "I won't get kidnapped or whatever Niou-sempai said."

"You better not." Sanada growled out. He was going to have to kill Jackal or torture him. Take your pick.

Kirihara ignored Sanada's remark and skipped home. Thankfully, he had a safe journey home. He helped an old lady across the street (Wow...since when was he angelic?), no one pushed him into the street (like how Niou does when he's extremely bored), and he skipped home like a happy camper.

When he reached to the doorstep, he cheered.

"I DIDN'T GET KIDNAPPED!! WHOO HOO!!" Kirihara cheered. "I don't know why buchou was so worried."

How ironic.

Next thing he knew, he heard a happy shout which sounded like, "Lucky!" and then he black out.

You know Murphy's law right? "Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way"? Well that's what happened.

Joy is Kirihara.

Kirihara woke up with a sneeze. Yes, sneeze. The room was frigging cold! He looked around, he pouted. It was EXACTLY as Niou had said! He was tied! He was stripped of his clothes! DARNNNN!!! Darn Niou for being right!! Why didn't that biscuit help Niou's words NOT come true! WHYYYY!!! Does the little people in the sky hate him? But… but, he's so angelic! Or, at least, that's what he thought… he is, isn't he?

He looked at the "Yamabuki boy" and the only thing he said was, "You're not going to take advantage and defile me in everyway possible right?"

Sengoku shook his head, "Nope. I'm going to defile you more than that."

"…What does that mean?"

"Nothing, nothing…"

NEXTDAYNEXTDAYNEXTDAYNEXTDAY

"I told you," Niou said munching on Marui's bag of chips (much to Marui's displeasure). "I told you he would get ra—"

Yukimura slapped the chip bag on Niou's face, "That's enough Niou."

Akaya looked at everyone, "I didn't do anything though… he just…" he went on explaining his and Sengoku's night… with full detail. Oh god, help us…

When he finished, Marui was as red as his hair, Yukimura was somewhat amused, Sanada looked like he ready to KILL Jackal or Sengoku (take your pick), Niou was laughing his butt off and trying his best not to choke on his (or rather, Marui's) chips, Yagyuu was coughing badly, and Yanagi was scribbling everything Akaya said in a notebook.

"My… my… haha… Akaya… haha, I never knew you could bend like that…" Niou said, still laughing his butt off. "W-who… haha… knew you were so flexible? Hahaha!!"

"I still don't get what he did…" Akaya muttered.

"YOU GOT FRIGGIN RAPED WHAT PART OF THAT DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? HE STARTED TO—"

"That's enough mind scarring Niou." Yukimura said, shoving that magical biscuit in Niou's mouth once again.

Niou scowled and muttered curse words with the biscuit still in his mouth.

"Ooh, can I have that?" Marui asked, pulling the biscuit outta Niou's mouth and taking a bite of it. "Hey, it's not bad…"

"You eat anything, Marui…" Niou muttered.

Yukimura smiled, "Now, now, Akaya. If you get pregnant _do_ tell us so we can throw a wonderful baby shower." That's it, Jackal's dying… now. "Unlike what Marui did."

Marui choked on the biscuit, "H-how did I know I was pregnant! It was totally uncalled for!"

"Pregnant?" Kirihara asked. "WOW! I get to have a squirmy baby in my tummy?" He started jumping up and down, "COOL!! COOL!!!"

Sanada was pulling his sword out of his locker. Jackal is _so_ dead. "Akaya, I shall avenge you…" He said dramatically. Why did he have a sword in his locker? We _don't_ know, so don't expect logical answers.

Yagyuu stopped Akaya from jumping, "If you _were_ pregnant, jumping would be bad for you…" He said.

Akaya gasped, "NO JUMPING?" He shouted.

"Who said being pregnant was easy?" Marui said casually. "I mean after _someone_(I'm not mentioning any names Jiroh) got me pregnant did you think I had the best time of my life?"

"...Yeah basically..." everyone murmured and nodded.

"AGHHH!! OF COURSE IT WASN'T THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE!!" Marui shouted angrily. "HAVING BABIES COMING OUT OF-"

"We get the picture." Niou said. "Are you still suffering from moodswings?"

"Niou!" Yukimura scolded shoving yet another biscuit into his mouth.

Niou just grumbled.

"Ok, Akaya, if you're getting pregnant, you might as well just follow what I did…" Marui said sighing. He handed Akaya some papers. "Here, read this."

"…NO TENNIS?" Akaya shouted. "NOOOOOOO!!!!"

"Doesn't _this_ sound familiar?" Niou muttered to himself.

Yukimura sighed, he's_so_ going to kill Jackal… or kill Sengoku… take your pick.

Akaya ran up to buchou and sobbed, "I WANNA PLAY TENNIS!" He cried, giving his buchou the puppy eyes.

"Well, if you get pregnant, I'm afraid you can't…" Yukimura said.

"CURSE YOU SENGOKU KIYOSUMIIIII!!!!" Akaya screamed.

"Wow, he acts like Marui already!" Niou exclaimed, receiving Mr. Magical Biscuit in his mouth again.

"Now, now Akaya..." Yukimura chided. "Screaming obscenely like that is going to damage the baby..."

"B-but buchou...I don't want to be pregnant..." Kirihara whined.

Yukimura sighed, "Marui you know the drill."

"Yepp." Marui dragged Kirihara to the nearest baby store.

"Aren't you going to help buchou?" Niou asked.

"No..." Yukimura said his eye gleaming with evilness. "I have something to take care of...Genichirou?"

"Hrnn..." Sanada grunted and took his sword with him. Both walked off into Jackal's direction.

"Whatever." Niou said reclining with his back against the clubroom wall dosing off.

STORESTORESTORESTORESTORE

"Ok, get this and that and this…" Marui said as he tossed the random baby stuff into Akaya's basket.

Akaya looked around, "Sempai… can we get out of this place soon? I don't like it here…"

Marui popped a bubble, "Why not?"

"We're surrounded by girls…" Akaya whispered.

"Obviously."

"And I'm getting nervous…"

"Why?"

"Because we're surrounded by GIRLS."

"Well, boys don't usually give birth…" Marui said.

"Well… aren't there any husbands here?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because there just_isn't_."

"I don't get it."

"I don't care if you don't get it." Marui picked out a few more baby stuff for our dear pregnant Rikkai ace. "It's just like that."

"Marui-sempai…"

"Yes Akaya?"

"Why are you picking out clothes? We don't even know what gender _it's_ gonna be."

"The baby is not an_it_, Akaya. And it's just in case, ok? What if you suddenly give birth now? Then we would have spare clothes."

"No, if I gave birth now, I would be panicking…" Akaya said.

Marui ignored him and tossed in more baby stuff. Since Akaya was being ignored, he actually was mature enough to not talk anymore.

After they finished buying stuff for the baby (and the gum Marui bought for himself), the two headed back to Rikkaidai, but before that, they went to a random restaurant because Marui was starved.

"Marui-sempai… why do I get this small bowl of… whatever this is?" Akaya pointed to his meal. "Why do you get the giant ice cream?"

"Because over-eating is bad for the baby." Marui said between bites.

Akaya pouted. "I wanna eat the ice cream… you're probably enjoying this…"

"You're right, I am. Haha, I love seeing your pain now."

"Sadist…"

"I heard that."

Once Marui finished his meal, he dragged (not literally) the starving Akaya back to Rikkaidai.

JOUSHOURIKKAIDAIJOUSHOURIKKAIDAI

"We bought baby stuff…" Akaya whined. "And Marui-sempai didn't let me eat…"

Yukimura smiled his, "Jackal should be dead right now." Smile and said, "Well, after you have your baby, you can eat as much as you want, ok Akaya?"

Marui took a bite outta his pocky, "Well, he'll get fat then."

Niou snickered, "Like how you are right now? You're eating like you've never eaten in ten years."

"Hey! You try not to eat much 75 percent of the year!"

Yanagi secretly muttered, "The numbers should be my job…"

"By the way...where's Jackal?" Marui looked around the clubroom.

"He's...somewhere..." Sanada muttered.

SOMEWHERESOMEWHERE

"HELLOOOO?" Jackal cried out. "HELLOOOO? WHY AM I IN THE GALAPAGOS ALL ALONE AND I ONLY HAVE A MATCHSTICK TO FEND FOR MYSELF?! HELPP!! SOMEONE!! HELLOOOOO?!"

LETSGORIKKAILETSGORIKKAILETSGORIKKAI

"I just felt a chill run down my spine..." Marui muttered.

"That's normal if you're a girl probably..." Niou snickered.

Marui attempted to hit him with his shoe. Niou just dodged with his awesome tennis skillz.

"...Guys..." Yukimura said raising his eyebrow. "What are you two doing?"

"HE CALLED ME A WOMAN!!!" Marui yelled.

"I think you are a woman if you can get pregnant." Niou smirked.

"ENOUGH!!! TARUNDORU!!!" Sanada roared throwing both his shoes at them. Marui and Niou obviously didn't dodge this.

"Dude...What. The. Fuck?"

"Now, now Niou...it's not nice cursing...Akaya's here." Yukimura chided.

Niou looked at Kirihara. Marui looked at Kirihara. They both threw him out of the clubhouse (gently. Think of the baby!). And then there was a roar.

"WHY DID YOU THROW YOUR SHOES AT US?!" Niou roared.

"IT HURTS YOU KNOW!!!!" Marui yelled also.

"TARUNDORU!!!" and crashing sounds were heard. If this was a chibi episode, the house would be jumping in the air and little stars and clouds of smoke would be coming out through the windows and such.

"Eh?" Kirihara cocked his head to the side. Onlookers were just staring at the house.

Finally the door opened.

Out came Sanada, Niou, and Marui badly scarred and angry. And out came Renji and Yukimura looking happy and spotless. Interesting.

"...Buchou..."

"Yes Akaya?"

"My stomach hurts..."

"GASPPPPPP!!! AKAYA'S GONNA BE IN LABOR!!!" Marui exclaimed.

"I'm not working though…"

"LABORRRRR!!!" Marui exclaimed, obviously panicking.

"STOP PANICKING!!!" Niou screamed at Marui, who stopped.

"Call a taxi." Yukimura told Yanagi who nodded and ran off.

Sanada was standing there and wondering if life was screwed in Rikkaidai. WHY ARE BOYS PREGNANT?!

Akaya rubbed his stomach. "…Excuse me…" And he ran off.

"GAHHH! DON'T RUN OFF IF YOU'RE IN LABOR!!" Marui chased after him.

Akaya pouted when he saw Marui following him. "STOP FOLLOWING ME!! THIS IS KINDA EBARASSING!"

"GIVING BIRTH IS EMBARASSING? WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED HOW I FELT!"

"Not that!" Akaya shouted running to the nearest bathroom.

"W-what?"

A few moments later:_Toilet Flush…._ And the Rikkai ace stepped out, "Phew…"

"…You had to use the bathroom?"

"DUH."

"…" Marui dragged Akaya back to the courts gently.

COURTSCOURTSCOURTS

"Did Akaya give birth in the bathroom?" Niou asked then receiving Mr. Magical Biscuit in his mouth again.

"No, he had to use the bathroom." Marui replied plainly.

Akaya smiled sheepishly.

"Well, then tell the taxi man to get lost." Yukimura said with an innocent "Me? Evil? NO!" smile.

Yanagi shook his head, "He says he refuses to move unless he's been paid."

Yukimura and Yanagi turned to Sanada. "Genichirou…" Yukimura started off.

Sanada looked at the two, "…You want me to call Keigo and pay, right?"

"Well, it IS free money…" The Buchou of Rikkaidai said. "And… well, it'd be better if we DIDN'T pay… though I wouldn't say you HAVE to…"

Sanada twitched, "Fine…" He walked off to call Atobe.

"Go Genichirou and his rich boyfriend…" Yukimura secretly cheered.

"Mura-buchou… what would be happening if I was about to give birth?"

"Well, your water would break… and…"

"Water? Break? How does water break?"

"You'll know when it happens." Yukimura answered.

"Huh? I don't get it!"

Yukimura pat him on the head, "Go do second year stuff, ok Akaya?" He said softly and walked off.

Kirihara pouted and started to draw, though no one let him lay on his stomach.

"Hey..." Marui said pointing at Kirihara. "He's not pregnant anymore right?"

"He probably had a bad case of indigestion..." Yukimura replied.

"But then how does your stomach get big?"

"I don't know...ask Renji."

"How?" Marui asked diverting his attention to Rikkai's awesome data master.

"His stomach probably had some gas problems...so it caused his stomach to look bigger than usual." (that happens to my dog at times...) Renji replied as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

"Ahh..."

"What did he eat?" Niou asked peering over Kirihara. "He probably got food poisoning right?"

"Probably." Renji replied

"But I thought Marui was the only one who would do that, cause he's the only one stupid enough to eat things with fungus all over them..." Niou sneered.

"HEY! I'M NOT STUPID!! NOR DO I EAT ANYTHING WITH FUNGUS ALL OVER IT!!!"

"Yeah...and the tooth fairy is a man."

Kirihara looked up from his picture and gasped. "YOU MEAN IT'S A GUY?!" he panicked. "I'VE GIVING MY TEETH TO A SMALL GUY ON WINGS?!"

"...I was just kid-" and Niou received a magical biscuit into his mouth.

"No Akaya...Niou was being mean and just said that to tease you." Yukimura gave Niou a look that said, "If you corrupt his childhood innocence, I will shove five hundred biscuits up you another way..."

Niou flinched. "Geez...no need to stare death glares at me buchou..."

"By the way...Jackal's missing all this..." Marui said looking around him. "Where do you suppose he is?"

"He's not coming in today, or the rest of the week...(or maybe the whole year)." Yukimura said smiling his, "I know where he is but I'm not telling you where he is." smile

SOMEWHERESOMEWHERE

"HELLOOOOO?" Jackal yelled. "I NEED SOMEONE!!!!!! HELP!!!!" he gestured to the fragments of junk he found lying around the island to make a big 'help' sign in the sand.

"SOMEONE!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!"

Jackal thought he saw a helicopter fly by, but was greeted by something else.

SPLAT.

"This isn't very pleasant you know..." Jackal muttered wiping off the bird doo off his head.

So in the end, Kirihara wasn't really pregnant. Jackal was stuck in the Galapagos for at least 2 weeks. Thankfully rangers found him huddled in a large tree trunk living off of fish. (Poor him). And as for the rest of the Rikkai regulars, they took precautions when they were having their 'private moments' so they wouldn't get pregnant. All in a good day for Rikkaidai. No?

Until that very faithful day Niou decided to slack off… and what became of him? …We'll never tell…

BONUSBONUSBONUSBONUS

"Mou… I really wished you were pregnant…" Sengoku whined.

Kirihara was eating his pocky, "Pregnant??? Mom told me that only good little boys not get pregnant."

Sengoku smiled, "I can arrange that you DON'T become a good little boy."

"What does that mean!?"


End file.
